and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
