FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
