I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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