If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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