my phone needs a breathalizer
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
