so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
