He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
