Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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