last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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