Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Randomize
