As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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