i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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