mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Randomize
