i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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