Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
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