Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
