Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
My breath smells like gin and sadness
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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