I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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