She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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