New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Randomize
