either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize