ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
