I just threw up on my dentist
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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