at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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