and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
