I'm gonna have a badass scar
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
