I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
