Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
