I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
