I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
