I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
