Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
