Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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