My hand turned me down
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
