I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
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