i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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