A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize