Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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