I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
