can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i think i have two assholes
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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