We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
