That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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