If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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