Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
