of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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