I accidentally burped into my bong.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Randomize
