does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
im holly from the hills drunk
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
