1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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