Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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