You're completely useless in the revolution.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
