He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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