So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
