no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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