I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize