she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
