Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
