recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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