R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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